Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
