I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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