I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
