420 ftw
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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