Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
