Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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