No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize