if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
