OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
