Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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