3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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