i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
