My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
