I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
