Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
