just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
