Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
