the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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