My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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