Plan B is the new Plan A
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
