Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
