just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just google imaged poop.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
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