he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
