I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
