you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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