i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
