You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
