I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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