I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
