I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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