Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize