I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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