i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
