Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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