My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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