my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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