I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
