if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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