i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
