Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
