I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
