Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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