I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
