a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize