my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
