Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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