I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
