can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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