i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
