My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
