I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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