Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
