So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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