Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
