Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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