Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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