My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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