I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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