If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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